Travel Disasters: 2008 Holiday Edition...or 36 Hours at Grandmas....or Portland Tales: Things I Couldn't Make Up If I Tried

Several possible titles here.  I'm indecisive.

(Sorry about the formatting problems - I tried to fix it to no avail)

Some of you may remember our trip to the west coast for Christmas.  Originally, we were flying from Milwaukee (MKE) to Minneapolis, than Minneapolis (MSP) to San Diego (SAN).  Well...before we got on the flight in MKE, they told us that MSP was shut down.  That flight was supposed to continue on to Portland (PDX), so they decided to just make the flight from MKE to PDX and allow anyone affected to get on that flight and then catch a flight to their final destination from there. 

The prospect of spending a few hours in Portland and maybe at least being able to have dinner with my dad (who I hadn't seen in 3 years) was exciting!  I also knew there was a storm coming to Milwaukee so waiting for a flight that might be cancelled the next day wasn't sounding appealing - I figured we'd never even make it to the west coast!  I knew Portland was having some weather too, but I figured if we were going to get stuck somewhere, lets get stuck with my family! Right?!?!

By the time we got there, we knew that we couldn't get a flight until the next day, so my dad would be picking us up and we'd all go stay the night at my grandma's.  Of course my luggage was no where to be found.  When I told Corey the night before how much it costs to check baggage, his response was "F**k that, I'll pack it all in my backpack."  There was no way I could pack a weeks worth of my crap in a carry-on so I opted to pay the $15 to check a suitcase.  Whoops.  There's a mistake I may never make again.

ANYWAY.

It was AWESOME to see my dad, and so nice to finally meet his girlfriend.  It's been a long time since he and another person have been able to stand each other's crap for a significant length of time.  After a long, obnoxious attempt and figuring out where my luggage might be (they had no idea - everything was chaos), we headed off to grandma's house.

Portland (all of the northwest actually) was having it's own share of weather.  Weather it was NOT prepared for.  Yes, a foot of snow sucks everywhere and slows things down...but in Portland...it STOPS.  Hell, it stops with much less than that.  They don't have many plows there and very few people know how to drive in it.  Everyone drives in the snow with chains on.  I remember when I moved to Wisconsin, I asked Corey if we needed to buy chains for our cars.  He looked at me like I was nuts.  Now...I understand why.

A road would never look like this for more than a day (maybe even a half-day) in Wisconsin.  This road stayed like this for several days.

Anyway, I digress.

I knew that being snowed in at my grandma's house with my dad, grandma, 2 druncles (drunk-uncles...we'll call them J and R), and druncle J's girlfriend and her best friend (we'll call them JK & T)would leave very few dull moments.  We ended up being there from Saturday night until Monday morning.  My dad spent the weekend cheering on the crappy weather, while my mom in San Diego spent it with her heart breaking a little with each cancelled flight.  That made me feel a little awkward.

I know I've forgotten some of the stories I had planned and things I was going to mention but I'll do my best.  Pardon the randomness.

You would not believe the sheer amount of alcohol my druncles and the girls can put down.  My dad doesn't drink very often or in large quantities anymore, but he did over this particular weekend.  Why, you ask?  Not because it was there or available.  Not because it was a party or a special occasion (although those are valid reasons).  Not because he has a problem (he doesn't).  No...my dad had to drink like that because that is the only way he can tolerate all of druncle J & R's (and JK & T's) crap and sheer ridiculousness.  It's a simple, sad, fact.  And trust me...Corey and I felt the pain (aka - irritation, annoyance, and rapidly declining patience) from not trying to keep up with the drunk-Joneses. 

Let's display some obvious intoxication in photos, shall we?

 

So now that we've proven that...

Not long after this picture was taken, druncle J got up and went downstairs.  I was sitting on the couch next to my grandma (sorta like this):

After druncle J left, I saw that his pipe had fallen out of his pocket and was left on the chair.  I pretended not to notice so as not to draw my grandma's attention to it (I'm a good niece, no?).   Druncle R then came upstairs to warm up by the fire.  He notices what druncle J left behind...but of course has to mention it.  "Hey, look what J forgot!"  Grandma: "Whose keys are those?" (long pause as druncle R and I snicker like mischievious bratty little kids) "Well...!  Is that a PIPE?!?!  R, you march that pipe down to J and tell him that if I see it again I'm going to SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS!!!"

Now...my grandma just doesn't talk like that, making it extra hilarious.  Druncle R started to do as he told, but the prospect of being the one to relay this information to druncle J was much too much to pass up.  I told him, "allow me." and took it on down there.  The laughter from downstairs carried right back up to the livingroom. 

The following night, druncle R, my dad, and the neighbor were out in the back yard to check it out since it had momentarily stopped snowing.  My grandma has a pool in the backyard.  Druncle R went and stood on the deep end and was trying to clear the snow off of the frozen ice because apparently there was a nerf football frozen in the ice down there and it was superduperimportant that he find it and show them right then.  Meanwhile, the neighbor is having a smoke (of the legal variety) and my dad is standing down at the shallow end watching druncle R stand on the ice.  Dad thinks to himself, "Hmm...R is standing on it down there..." and takes one step on to the ice.  It feels solid enough.  So he brought the other foot on...

WHOOOSH!

It was like a trap door opened up underneath him.

"Uhh...guys...a little help here?"  My dad had just fallen through a pool up to his chest and druncle R and the neighbor didn't hear or see it!  They heard something faint, but it really didn't make much noise.

So what does druncle R do?  He runs over to my dad.  Correction:  he runs ACROSS THE FROZEN POOL THAT CRACKED to help yank him out.  SMART.

Luckily, he didn't fall in.  This story would have been 1000 times funnier if he had.  In this photo (obviously taken after the fact) you can see the hole my dad fell in AND the footsteps going across the pool. 

Apparently the 50 lbs and 12 inch differences between the two of them is juuuust enough to keep one out of the pool and not the other.  Here he is drying off and warming up by the fire.

Later that same night, druncle J called up a friend he used to work with that was now delivering pizza to see if they were open that night.  Yes, they were, but they'd have to order soon.  Druncle J orders the pizza, pizza guy/friend shows up with his wife that he picked up on the way.  Interesting.  Anyway, so they stay and chat for awhile and when they go to leave...they can't.  His Ford F150 (or something similar) was stuck in the snow in front of the house.  Druncles go out to help and grandma and I start watching the idiotic show from the window.  Dad and Corey don't give a sh*t and are watching TV.  The pizza guy is out there burning out his tires in the snow like a moron. 

After about 10 loooong minutes, the show starts getting old.  I tell my dad and Corey (the only people with braun AND brains in the whole bunch) that they should probably get out there and help.  Dad gets up to put shoes on, and Corey walks out the door. I follow behind, stopping to grab my camera on the way out.  Apparently those extra few seconds I took were too long, because by the time I got out there...

...Corey had already gotten the guy out of the driver's seat, gotten the truck out, and was on his way back in.  All Wisconsin style and sh*t!  I was very proud. 

Everyone else was stunned.  What they couldn't accomplish in 10 minutes was done by Corey in seconds.  My dad came outside and my druncles were looking around and at the same time all of them said, "Where'd Corey go?"  I told them he was already in the house on the couch watching tv.  Druncles and company where stunned and impressed.  Dad just laughed and laughed and said, "That's how it's done, boys."  Classic.

Now let's meet Nilo. 

Nilo is a perfectly nice normal cat...until you pet him.  Because for the love of God...if you pet Nilo "wrong"...

...you are in for a world of hurt. 

After dealing with this occasionally batsh*t crazy cat too many times to count, my reflexes took over.

I was sitting with my dad, glass of water in my left hand, right hand hanging over, when Nilo decided to rub himself on my right hand.  At first I didn't trust him, but he seemed ok...until all of a sudden he snapped.  In one fluid motion, my left hand shot out and dumped a half full glass of water in his face.  It tok me a minute to even realize what I had done.  Hell, it took NILO a minute to even realize what I'd done.  He gave me the funniest most shocked look I've ever seen on a cat (as far as feline expressions go, anyway), before he took off and never came near me again.  I wish I had a picture of it, but it sort of resembled this:

That's pretty much all I can remember.  Like I said before, I hadn't been to Portland in 3 years (and haven't lived there since 1995), so I had managed to conveniently forget that I have one of those touchy feely family that kisses hello and goodbye on the lips, holds hands, and is just kind of cuddly in general.  I've joked about this with people before, but at THEIR families expense...completely forgetting that I had one of my own.  Karma maybe? Who knows.  Up until the end of our time there, I just kind of sucked it up (for lack of a better term) and went with the flow, but it was so foreign to me that I had to say something.  Of course feelings were a little hurt, which in turn made me feel like a jerk.  In the end I agreed to not be a total frigid b*tch, as long as they could understand how awkward it was to sit across the room from my husband but holding someone elses hand or have someone elses arm around me. 

The art of compromise is weird sometimes.

Anyway, we finally made to to San Diego on Monday night after countless flight changes and delays.  Here is a pic of the beautiful sunset over Catalina Island as we were decending...

I promise my next installment will be shorter, but maybe a little heavier on pictures.  I've still got San Diego and Christmas to write about!

How to fart in a moving crowd: PDX edition.

Step 1: Walk faster until you find a couple of old men walking together.

Step 2: Get right behind them.

Step 3: Let her rip.

Step 4: Make a weird face and pretend they aren't moving fast enough for you.

Step 5: Pass them and disappear.

Say Cheese!

You want me to what?

So I just got an email asking me to be a guest speaker in one of the undergrad classes at my school.

I have no idea what I’m supposed to talk about, why they want me, or anything else this entails.

I said yes. It’s on October 19th at 8:30 am.

I really only have decent knowledge on about 3 things:

1) the army

2) athletic training at Fresno State

3) sucking at life and making it out alive and well

This ought to be interesting.

So I was tagged...

I'm not totally sure how I feel about this, since it feels a little myspace-ish (maybe because I've done it once on myspace a long long time ago) but anyway...here it goes: :)

THE RULES:
1. Post these rules before you give you the facts.
2. List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
3. At the end of your post, choose (tag) someone and list their name (linking to their page).
4. Leave them a comment on their blog letting them know they've been tagged!

8 Random Facts about Jessie:

1. I tend to eat my food one thing at a time (for example I don't eat some corn, then switch to chicken, then go back to corn). It's a weird childhood habit.

2. There are 15 and 19 years between me and my little sisters, but only 17 between me and my mom.

3. Few things irritate me more than people talking, joking around, fidgeting, or otherwise ignoring the national anthem when it is played.

4. The national anthem makes me teary every time I hear it.

5. I also get teary watching olympic medal ceremonies. I don't know why.

6. I have fibromyalgia. Few people know what that is.

7. I'm an athletic trainer. Few people know what that is either.

8. My first job was at the Grand Canyon with the Youth Conservation Corps when I was 15.

So now I get to tag three people: Sara, Sara, and Sierra. I liked how the names sounded together :)

I met a FIF. IRL!

FIF: Freaky Internet Friend

IRL: In real life

Last night I met my first FIF. I've always been really hesitant about people meeting people from the internet in real life because it's always seemed really weird/scary to me, even though it is so common now. Then I moved across the country.

I was really excited for grad school to start (boy did that change fast) because I thought I'd meet some people that way, or through my GA position. Then came the reality: My classes are online, and I work with high school kids. No and absofreakinglutely not.

So back to now...

Last week Brooke, who I know from theknot.com's Milwaukee message boards, wrote me an email inviting me to a concert since her fiance couldn't go and we are both new to Milwaukee and need to meet some people. I didn't even hesitate - yay for getting out of the house and meeting a real live person! She always seemed quite normal and not in the least bit like a creepy internet weirdo. Boy was I wrong! No no no, I'm just kidding.

Anyway, she picked me up at my house and we drove downtown and decided to eat at Rock Bottom on the river. We ate out on the patio because the weather was perfect and the food was absolutely delicious. Then we headed back across the street to the Pabst Theater to see the band Okkervil River who I had never heard of until Brooke invited me to see them. Okkervil River was great! I love all kinds of music and things with a more unique sound. I think myspace lists them as "indie rock" (I don't really know what that means, but who cares, I liked 'em). This is going to sound weird but they kind of reminded me of a cross between The Killers and Counting Crows.



A funny highlight of the evening: We were sitting at the end of a row in the back and it was very dark in there. I got up to go use the bathroom and apparently there was a step there at the end of our row. Yep, I fell (almost) on my face on my very first FIF "date". No real harm done but a minor ankle sprain (and temporary loss of some dignity), but that step is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Brooke (who just passed the bar exam) was ready to be my lawyer, and I could do my own rehab. It was meant to be. Needless to say I won't be suing the Pabst for their lack of lighting...it's just fun to think of ways to use the things we each just spent our gazillion years of school learning to do.

Oh...and then I almost fell again at the end of another row. It was even light in there and I was warned about it before I did it again. I caught myself this time...mostly. There are reasons I shouldn't be allowed in public.

Anyway, long story short: good company + good band + beautiful smaller venue = damn good time.

Also, I hope whoever cleans that theater is very happy with the $15 of mine they found somewhere on the floor.

So I may have been a little weird

...or crazy. Take your pick.

I am finally busy again, and coincidentally my stress has gone down. For months now it's been one thing after another. First, I was about to graduate, then I thought I didn't pass physiology and wasn't graduating, then we were moving across the country, then I had the NATA exam, then Corey's job took forever to actually hire him and we ran out of money, my job didn't start for 2 months and I had too much time on my hands, and still no money.

This week I started working my GA position at the high school, as well as a week-long high school boys soccer camp. Now that I'm working again and things are calming down, I realize that I may have been a bit of a whack-job since at least May. Maybe even March. Good Lord that is a long time to be "off". I'm not even sure how much of it was blatant or was just my constantly racing mind. Either way, I sincerely apologize to everyone who may have noticed or been a victim of it - mom, Jodi, dad, Corey, my few blog readers, even the girls I've annoyed with stupid comments or questions on theknot.com's message boards.

Anyway, since the majority of you who are reading this are people who have never met me in person (yes, I check my sitemeter) I have no way to prove my sanity and I guess you'll have to take my word for it. My life is busy again, I'm not all stressed-out anymore, and I'm back to doing what I love. I'm even sleeping at night. I promise I am on my way back to "normal" again - whatever that is.