It's getting better all the time

The Packers won!

The Giants beat the Cowboys! In case you aren't aware, this is glorious because instead of the Packers playing the Cowboys (who they lost to this year) in Dallas, they get to play the Giants (who they beat this year) AT LAMBEAU for the NFC Championship, and then move on to the Superbowl. See? Good news! :)

Corey finally smoked his last cigarette. I'm two weeks ahead of him, and completely over it. Remember back when I was really cranky and annoyed? That is where he is right now. It's not pleasant...but at the same time it is kind of entertaining to mock him a little since he did it to me. Before you start thinking I'm a terrible, non-encouraging person...I have been very supportive the rest of the time, it's just not as fun to talk about. Hopefully he has as easy of a go at it as I did. If you had asked me 2 weeks ago if I thought I'd be successful 2 weeks later, I would have said no.

The newest love of my life (that I haven't met yet) is the sofa and loveseat I am buying from a friend. You see, we had to ditch our couch in Fresno because bringing it wasn't worth the extra $200 we would have had to pay for more space in the moving truck. Since June our livingroom furniture has consisted of a papasan chair and an uncomfortable chair that matched our old couch. Corey and I can't even sit together at home.

I've been looking on craigslist, but in the end I just would never again be able to bring myself to buy a couch with an unknown history of ass on it. I had a few of those in the army - scaaaaaaaaaaaary. I won't even get into the unidentifiable stains and smells on the couches that got passed around the barracks. I bet I could walk into our old barracks in Germany right now, 6 years later, and find at least 3 familiar couches that I owned at some point. Anyway...this sofa and loveseat are coming from someone I know - someone who is clean and doesn't have shifty eyes, so I feel safe! It is also rumored to be among the most comfortable couches in the world. Can you tell how excited I am?

It's the simple things. Here is the sofa :)



We're totally going to snuggle on it.

In other, not so happy news...I suck at wedding planning. You'd think I'd have a shitload of practice at it by now, right? No. I'm so glad I can't go back in time and see what a trashtastic job I did of things the first 2 times. It's almost as though I've never even thought about having a wedding before in my entire life. Yes, it's that bad.

I was informed today that the wedding is 200 days away. I'm sure that is not helping my mentality of it. It sounds like a lot of time, but at the same time, it's not. Once school starts again in 2 weeks, I'm not going to have time to get anything done. I have the time now, but I'm having a permanent brain fart. Woe is me.

Just give me a shovel

Because that is how I’m eating now that I’m a non-smoker. No wonder everyone bitches about gaining weight when they quit. Smoking was keeping us all from shoveling mountains of other shit through our lips.

I gained 3 lbs over Christmas, and then it was gone almost as fast as it came. Now I’m back up - higher than I was before I started keeping track of food and exercise on sparkpeople. People with sleep disorders have a hard enough time losing weight (basically, REM sleep is an important part of metabolism). While I was smoking I was at least holding fairly steady. The combination of quitting and crappy sleep is sending me in a direction I don’t want to go. I have a wedding dress to fit into for crying out loud. Don’t worry - I’m not going to smoke again. That would be lame.

I’ve lost track of my calls to the VA to try to get appointments. I sort of want to cry, but not as much as I want to sleep.

I'm over it.

Thanks for all the comments and encouragement everyone!

I actually don’t feel like I need any medication or counseling or any of that for it. Yeah, sometimes I crave one, but I’m much too much of a realist. I know that the reality of having one will not be as good as it is in my head, so I feel like I’m pretty much over it. I know my logic is a little flawed, but I feel like getting extra help at this point would just be kind of weak, unnecessary, and not my style.

Between the one that made me sick and smelling it on Corey once in awhile it pretty much just grosses me out.

Oh, and the car stinks.

I caved.

Uuuuuuuughhhhhhhhh. I had a cig. And now I feel disgusting. And guilty.

More than anything I feel like throwing up. I think my mission to become a non-smoker has been successful.

I still don't smoke...but I still don't sleep

4 days down. Still holding steady. Thank you to everyone who has helped give me encouragement and moral support in my comments and emails and facebook. I appreciate it!

I’ve caught myself subconsciously getting up to go have one and then it hits me…where am I going? The physical craving is lessening - my brain doesn’t feel like it’s on fire anymore and I’m clenching my jaw less. I’m also not as cranky and I smell goooooooooooood. Corey kissed me when he came in from having one and it kind of grossed me out. That’s a good sign, no?

Anyway.

Last night I was awake until 5 am. WTF!!!

I’ve called and left messages with the nurse in my clinic at the VA - TWICE - to have her call me back and set up an appointment. Has that happened? No. Is there some kind of VA policy that you have to try to make an appointment 7 times before you can actually talk to someone and get one? Assholes. I hope the VA isn’t an example of what socialized medicine would be like in America. For everyone’s sake.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m grateful that I have it, but damn…it’s never been there when I need it the most.

Oh, I almost forgot this part. After I left my second message, I tried to another route and went through central scheduling. The conversation went something like this:

Operator: “Blah Blah VA blah blah blah, can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I’m a veteran and a patient there. I have had a lot of sleep issues and recently had a sleep study and need to schedule an appointment with Dr. _______ to go over my results and come up with a plan to fix it.”

Operator: “What is your last name and last 4 of your social security number?”

Me: “[Last Name], [1234]“

Operator: “Oh. Ok, well you already have an appointment scheduled for May. Do you need help with anything else?”

Me: “I - ” (pause) “I am not waiting until May to sleep.”

Operator: “Oh. So you need an appointment sooner?”

Me: “Yes.” [Did you not hear one fucking word I said?]

Operator: “Oh. Well let me transfer you to her nurse.”

I hung up.

Still not smoking.

It's been 55 hours. 17 hours until it's supposedly out of my system. I'm relying heavily on this getting easier after that.



This is HARD. I was so cranky last night. I'm talking full raging bitch mode. Corey did something that was meant to be cute and all I could do was turn and look at him and say "I. would. NOT. fuck. with. me. right. now."

Yes, I immediately felt awful for responding that way, but at least he laughed when I said it in the first place.

PS. Dear grandparents, aunts and uncles who read my blog - I apologize for the foul language that shows up in my posts, but it is usually necessary to accurately portray my exact thoughts and feelings on certain topics. Yes, if I was younger I would fully expect you to wash my mouth out with soap. Love ya! :)

Here I am. Not smoking.

My last cigarette was January 1st, 2008, at approximately 4:30 am. A friend has informed me that it takes 72 hours to get the nicotine out of your body. In a little over 3 hours I'll be halfway there.

Corey is outside smoking. Right. Now.

Jerk.

Originally, I was going to quit when I started trying to get pregnant. Then, I was going to quit when I got down to 155 lbs (10 lbs from where I started). Yes, I just posted my weight for the world to see. I don't care. Anyway, then we were both going to quit once we finished what we had because starting yesterday, the price of cigs went up $1 per pack. WTF? Good idea Wisconsin. You are going to save some lives, and you are going to make some people realize how much willpower they lack and make some extra $$ for the people who couldn't hack it.

Well, when I woke up yesterday I felt like shit from Corey and I drinking every last drop of alcoholic beverage in the house celebrating the end of another year. Since I did feel well I thought I'd try to make it through the day. I did.

So that's the story. And here I am. Still not smoking.