...I married the wrong man. Again.
I was young, I was dumb, and I was living army life - something most 20 year olds have not experienced. It's not an excuse, but it is a different world. I'm not dwelling, but I still remember it because it is a decent sized part of why/where I am today in life. For example: It was because of this particular marriage (and it's subsequent divorce) that I was anti-marriage for so long. Corey knew he wanted to marry me much earlier than July 2006 when we got engaged. I knew I wanted to be with him, but the marriage thing was scary and not something I planned to do ever again. It took me a while to get over that...rightfully so. I'd already done it and failed. Twice. But again, I was young and dumb, and like all young, dumb people, I thought I was different, that "we" were different, each time. Each time I proved that no, I/we were in fact not different.
Obviously, in your early twenties, you have a lot of learning about life left to do. Most importantly, it's a time you are busy finding out who YOU are, whether you realize it or not. While I am very embarrassed to tell people that I was married and divorced...twice...by age early-twenty-something, there are worse things I could have done. Honestly, I couldn't be more content with the way my life has turned out. Corey and I have been through a lot (together and apart), and came out on the good side of things that could have just as easily gone the other direction. I know who I am, he knows who he is, and we are more than ready for marriage and the ups and downs that we will inevitably face throughout the rest of our lives.
So this next part is slightly off the topic, but slightly not...
I take pictures. LOTS of pictures. I always have. When we first moved to Milwaukee, I went through my photo albums and removed most, if not all, of the pictures of XH2 (ex-husband 2). I don't want all these pictures of him (or he and I together) floating around, especially in the future when Corey and I have kids. I'm not going to hide my life mistakes from my children, but they also don't need to see a thousand pictures of the guy when/if they ever decide to look at mom's old photo albums.
Anyway, I've never had the ability to just throw pictures away. Those are someone's memories, not just mine, but someone else's, maybe even several "someone elses", depending on how many people were in the picture. I know for fact that XH2 doesn't have very many pictures of himself, or his army days, or his friends from his army days, because I was always the keeper/taker of the pictures. I kept most of the friends too, but that is a story for another time...or never. I also know he doesn't have any of our wedding pictures - not that he'd want them, but whatever.
So my question is this:
What would you do with the pictures? Would you suck it up and trash them? Would you mail them to XH2 so he could keep what he wanted and make a dartboard out of the rest? Any other suggestions? Keep in mind a lot of time has gone by, and I'm waaay over being bitter at the guy, but we aren't friends, either.
9 comments:
I only dated two people before my husband, but both were long term relationships (1 yr and 2 yrs). My first boyfriend was in my general group of friends, so photos of high school and early college included him, even if they weren’t taken for that purpose. I’ve still kept a few that symbolize that time in my life and my group of friends, but the ones of just him and me? They’ve been tossed. The second boyfriend was such a total douche and I didn’t realize it until after we broke up. I was bitter at myself for wasting so much time on him, so I tossed every single picture. Now, many years later, even with calmer feelings, I don’t regret not having a photo of him to look back at.
Honestly, even if you tossed them all, I don’t think you’ll regret it. But if you do choose to keep some, I’d say keep a few that mean something very specific and worth remembering. Oof that was long.
Assuming the debate is whether to toss the photos or send them to XH2, I would ask you what your motivation would be in sending them to him, particularly if you have no contact with him anymore. Is it guilt? Is it pure, unadulterated kindness? If it’s the latter, then why haven’t you already sent them? Also, if you received a pack of pictures out of the blue from XH2, how would you react?
Sara - I did keep a few to symbolize that time in my life, and if I hadn’t married the guy, I probably wouldn’t have thought too hard about it. I doubt he wants any of the wedding pictures, which is fine. I don’t really want them either (except for maybe the pretty one of me dancing around alone on the beach in Oregon). There were a few I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of because my great-grandma (who is 99) and 2 of my grandfathers who are gone now are in them.
Erika - VERY good point…what is my motivation? I don’t think it is guilt at all, and definitely more out of kindness since I know he’s hardly got any pictures from when he was in the army. But then again… I don’t think he’s done anything to deserve pure, unadulterated kindness.
An even better question is how would I react if he sent pictures to me. I think it would freak me out a little bit. Maybe more like a lot. I’d think WTF? Why am I getting these now?
Wow. Thanks ladies. I think all I really needed was a little perspective. They are getting trashed. Maybe I’ll save them for winter when we start using the fireplace in our apartment If that is what I do, maybe I will take a picture of the pictures burning…because I love pictures.
This was one long ass response. My apologies.
Oh man. I have a REALLY hard time throwing away photos. In fact, I’ve never done it! To me, if they’re not in frames displayed all over your house, you’re not exposing anyone to anything. Old memories, locked away in old photographs is nothing that should be hidden. At least I don’t think so. And someday, your children might want to see what your life was like before daddy. I know I love looked at old pictures of my parent’s ex boyfriends/girlfriends just so I can see how lucky they both ended up in the end =) They make for good stories.
Woops, I meant locked away in old albums…not photographs.
Thank You.
I threw away almost all of the pictures of me and ex-fi, just keeping enough to symbolize that part of my life. Sending them to him would be a real slap in the face since we didn’t end well at all. I kind of feel like it is best to let things be and what you left the relationship with is what you get, pictures and all. Yeah, I would proubably toss them in a fit of purging.
I would stash them in a box in the back of a forgotten closet. I can’t throw away pictures for some reason. This is not totally the same thing, but I had a trash bag full of letters me and some friends had written to each other in junior high and high school. Literally a trash bag. Then we had a falling out, and when I moved out of my parents house, I threw them all away. I really wish I would have kept them. Keeping the pictures doesn’t mean you still have feelings for him, but it’s from a big part in your life.
Evie - I still have a big box of notes passed throughout junior high and high school, along with all kinds of other things. Even ex-boyfriend pictures from high school, but XH’s are in a different category. I am definitely keeping a couple, but I have a ridiculously large number of them and those are going to have to go to the trash. Or fireplace. It will be hard, since they are photos, but I’ve realized that I will happy to do it. I will also probably never do it again.
My advice of what I would do…is that I would go through and pick out a few of them… maybe a couple of wedding pictures and a few other ones that have some real meaning to you…..and keep those ones… and out of graciousness, pull out a few for Matt also and send them to him with just a quick note, saying that you just wanted to share these with him… and he can do with them what ever he wants… so it would be up to him to decide what he wants to do with those memories…
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